Today, on May 10, 2011, I am reflecting on all that God has done in the past 10 years. Sunday was Mother's Day, and our 3-month old Julie was dedicated at church. That day I couldn't help but think about my first Mother's Day 10 years ago. Dmitri and I were at our church, Word of Life Assembly of God, in Virginia. The pastor did a wonderful job honoring mothers that morning, first having all mothers stand up, then calling out different numbers of children, finally getting to the mothers with most children; I can't remember how many. Then he asked for the newest mom to stand up. I was doing my best to compose myself all morning, but when he got to that part, tears just started flowing. In agony, I was inwardly screaming, "I AM the newest mom!" My firstborn, Annie Angel, was just born 2 days earlier on May 11th, one day after we found out that she had died inside me at 21 weeks. I made myself remain in my seat, feeling it was unfair that another mom was standing up--her baby was 3 months old. What did it matter if the baby was here or on the other side? I knew Annie was alive, with Christ, though no one knew why she died, even after a barrage of tests on me and on her. She was perfect, with eyebrows and fingernails. In fact, the skin on her fingers already had a unique design; her finger prints and foot prints were testifying that there was no other person like her.
(The front of the card we made with Annie's foot prints)
Back to that morning... I was gritting my teeth just waiting for the service to end, which seemed to go on and on. When it was finally winding down I started to relax, when suddenly the pastor called my and Dmitri's names. Now, this was a large church, there were over 2 thousand people gathered, and we were sitting in the balcony--in a way hiding from everyone. So we were quite surprised when we heard our names called. The pastor called us up front and asked people to come up to lay hands on us and pray for us. We were beyond overwhelmed when we were surrounded with a multitude that was crying out to God on our behalf. After the prayer, as we were walking away, a young lady stopped me and said, "God will bless you! Look, He blessed me!" And next to her were standing her adorable children, a boy and a girl. Of course, at that time, I had a hard time imagining having my arms full.
Emily's Dedication, 2003
Now fast-forward 10 years... WOW! That's all I can say. 10 years ago this would've been a dream, out of my reach. Back then I would fall asleep clutching a teddy bear because I needed to hold something. Now I have three beautiful girls to hug. And frankly, there are nights when I am ready to fall over and I get frustrated with incessant requests for another song, story, sip of water, to look at an invisible (to me) boo-boo... Oh, I am so thankful for the gift of Annie! There are many reasons, but one of them is that her loss gives me a much deeper appreciation for my daughters. When I get frustrated and discouraged, I remind myself what a blessing they are. My arms could still be empty and my heart could still be longing for a child, like the women I have met over the years. Thank you, God, for allowing me to be a mother. I know you would've given me the strength to learn to be content for just having experienced carrying and holding a tiny perfect still body, even if I didn't have any more children. But, I am overwhelmed by Your grace to me, that you filled my cup to overflowing. Please forgive me for murmuring about their sinful attitudes and behavior. After all, they ARE sinners - just like me. Please lead and teach me how to bring them up in Your way, planting the Gospel bomb in their hearts. Please light the fuse when it pleases You, even if I have to wait many years. I remind myself that this is not about this life, for we are like vapor. It's about eternity. And Annie is already there, waiting for us. And, until we see her, she is in a heavenly playground, surrounded with the precious souls of Allee, Leah, Joy, and many others whom my friends here long to hold. I am praying for them too. May God fill their hearts with His supernatural peace and remind them again that it is about eternity.
Natalie's Dedication, Mother's Day 2006
(In case you didn't notice, all three girls AND mommy wore the same clothes at all three dedications. :))
"Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling... Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come." 2 Corinthians 5:1-2, 5
